A man auditions as a pianist in a lounge bar...

and says to the bar manager who is hiring
"I'm going to play you some of my own instrumental compositions"
and then proceeds to play a couple of beautiful tunes that really move the manager. When he's finished the manager says:
"Oh my god that was terrific - what were the names of those tunes?"

The man replies "Thank you, the first one was *'I just fucked your wife and wiped my dick on your curtains when I finished'* followed by *'After doing you sister up the arse, I also did your dog and cat then washed myself in your fishtank'* "

The manager was taken aback, but recovered with aplomb and asked to hear another. The man launched into such a powerful piece that it moved the manager to tears. Wiping his eyes he was slightly hesitant but summoned up the courage and asked the man the name of that piece.
"That was called *'I wanked on you mum's face and she asked for more with a side fries'* "

The Manager looks at the man for a moment, and then says "You are a terrific talent so you're hired but for God's sake please don't say the names of the songs to the patrons."

The first night was going very well and a lot of people were turning up to listen to the new pianist who was playing wonderful music and as requested the man never announced the names of any of his tunes. During a break the man was feeling horny and decided to go off to the bathroom for a quick wank in one of the stalls. Just as he was finishing the manager comes bursting into the bathroom and yells "Hey if you're in here then hurry up we've got a LOT of customers awaiting your return to the stage!"

The man, startled, starts making his way out through the crowd to the piano. On the way a customer pulls him aside and says "Mate, do you know your fly is unzipped and your cock is hanging out with cum on the end of it??"

The man looks at him and says " Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"