A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Ummm, we don't allow monkeys in here, sorry".

The guy says, "Don't worry, this monkey is very well behaved. Now, can I have a pint, please?" The bartender reluctantly hands him his beer.

No sooner than the man begins drinking his beer, his monkey begins running willy-nilly all over the pub. He's really destructive, knocking over bottles, upsetting the other patrons, and pooping everywhere. The bartender manages to corner the monkey on the pool table, but before he can grab him, the monkey swallows the cue ball whole in one gulp. The bartender angrily brings the monkey back to the completely oblivious man, dumps it in his lap, and says,
"Look here, you and your monkey have got to leave. This little bastard just swallowed the cue ball from our pool table."

The guy says, "I'm terribly sorry, he's normally very well behaved. We'll leave".

About a week later, he comes back, same monkey on his shoulder, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I don't want that monkey in here. Last time, he wrecked the place."
The guy says, "Please don't be concerned, I assure you he's very well disciplined, and will behave himself this time." The bartender reluctantly hands him his beer.

No sooner than the man begins drinking it, the monkey walks down to the end of the bar, grabs a peanut out of a dish, and shoves it up his butt, pulls it back out, and then eats it.
The bartender sees this, and is horrified. He says to the guy, "Hey! Your disgusting monkey just put a peanut up his butt, pulled it back out, and then ate it!"

The guy replies, "Well, what do you expect? After that cue ball, he measures everything".