A Cat's Guide

A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
GUESTS:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.
For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.
WORK:
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy.
C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this maneuver. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
PLAY:
Play is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o'-the-hill on their bed between 2 am and 4 am.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!