11 Things that you should never say to anyone, no matter what.

With all the "10 things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman", "42 things you should never say to your single friends", "13 things you should never say to a martial artist" posts blowing up news feeds lately I thought I get at something we can ALL relate to. I know you've heard these.. and I know that you're sick of them ALL

1. “Wow, that color looks great on you!”
Seriously?? my physical appearance is so horribly disturbing to you that you had to resort to the color of my SHIRT to find something nice to say?! Next time do us both a favor and keep the "compliments" to yourself, thanks.
2. “I’m going to dinner tonight, what restaurant would you recommend?”
THE LITERAL HELL! This one really gets under my skin. I get it okay? I can’t cook, so yeah, I eat out a lot. That doesn’t even begin to come close to being any of your business. And it certainly doesn’t make me the top authority on local hot spots, so have some respect.
3. “Are you going to the staff meeting?”
Umm... yes. Unlike the parties that you clearly assume I’m never invited to, I was in fact invited to the staff meeting. I am indeed staff.
4. “I’m so glad you came”
this is nothing more than the adult equivalent of a participation ribbon.

5. “How do you take your coffee”
Yes, please let me give you this information so that you can take it and use it to judge me. We all know that you only want to hear my answer so that you can tell me that I must not realllyy like coffee since I don’t drink it black. Drink your black coffee all day for all I care. Well here’s a news flash for you... no one cares if you drink black coffee. It doesn’t make you better than me, and I’m fairly confident that hell isn’t currently filled with poor souls who enjoyed a little cream in their coffee, so don’t condemn me just yet my friend!
6. “How was your trip?”
The only thing more nauseating than this question is the fake little smile on your face when you ask it.
7. “Did you do something new with your hair? There’s something different about you!”
Nobody uses the word “different” in this context unless the word that they actually want to use is “worse”. If you meant better you would say “you look amazing!” or “wow, stunning!”. Here’s the thing… you said neither of those things. I will now spend the rest of the day (or week) regretting whatever decision it was I made that is clearly so awful that you felt the need to so inconsiderately comment on.
8. “Can I get the recipe for this? It’s delicious!
This leaves me to draw one of only two conclusions: Either you honestly did like the dish, but you never want to invite me anywhere ever again where I could personally make and bring it again for you, or you’re throwing me a pity card, which you may think makes you look like a great hostess but come on… you aren't Martha Stewart and you aren’t fooling anyone.
9. “Can I buy you lunch”
Clearly you’re either hitting on me or you think that I can’t afford to feed myself. I can think of absolutely no other reason why you would ask me this.
10. “That’s a great idea!”
You know what?! It probably was a great idea. It wouldn't be the first one that I've had and it most likely won’t be the last, so don’t patronize me with an over-exuberant exclamation about my thought’s merit like I’m your poor adopted puppy from the bad streets of Harlem or something. And while I’m on it, consider one more thing: even if my idea was the most ridiculous thing that’d you’d ever heard... I wouldn't care. Even if, for the sake of argument, I’d suggested that I might shave my head this weekend, dye my skin army green and quit my job to become a dolphin trainer, that would still be… wait for it… none of your business.

And finally, now that I’m good and riled up, I’ve saved the most offensive for last. It is none other than:
11. “Hi”
I guess the extra syllable in “hello” would just be too much for you?