What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm
not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.


I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL
SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.


I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft
Office.


I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.


MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the
McJobs I've had.


I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.


I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
lunch room.


I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly.


I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.


I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.


I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.


MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for
someone more experienced.


I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.


I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.


I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta
there.


I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.


I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.


THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!


I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath
waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me
luck in my future career.