Topical Jokes

Japan is allowing 787s to resume flying, because what's a little airborne battery fire when you're already fighting Godzilla?

A real estate company has offered a 15% raise to any employee who gets a tattoo of the company logo. Their logo? A veiny cock.

Eduard Kovynev, 26, and Eduard Kovynev, 27, fell through a ladies' room ceiling Sunday. The movie will co-star Adam Sandler & Adam Sandler.

The Chinese government is erecting a giant, penis-shaped building. The architect was Mai Long Dong.

A woman who swallowed a diamond at a charity event retrieved it during a colonoscopy the next day. Diamonds AND healthcare? Jeez, rub it in.

A Florida man taped a bullet to the end of his BB gun, which injured himself, missed his squirrel target, and got him kicked out of Mensa.

It's now illegal to name your child "Anal" if you live in New Zealand, though if you wanted to have anal, you wouldn't have a child.

The smashed skull of a teenaged girl proves that the Jamestown colonists were cannibals, or really, really bad at brain surgery.

Central Park is now home to an invasive species of fish that can live on land for up to 3 days, or until NYPD kicks them out. #occupywater

A CA school went into lockdown over a misplaced Taco Bell bag, though the real threat is still in the bowels of whoever ate Taco Bell.

Three hundred gallons of urine were found in vacant CT home, which begs the terrifying question; where's all the poop?!

A cult leader burned a three year old baby alive because it was the anti-christ. The baby yelled "aut vincere aut mori" and vomited spiders.

A 5 year old is the third youngest person in April to shoot and kill someone with a gun. Coming next Fall to NBC; Baby Hitman.

All based on real stories from this week! See more @fridayupdate on twitter.

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