(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Portland, they held a competition to see who had the best beard and mustache. The winner was a complete loser.
…first prize in the beard contest was a record of band that broke up before they recorded a song, and an enormous jar filled with apathy.
In Toronto, Rob Ford has lost his reelection bid. Ford’s opponent won with the slogan, “I am Not Rob Ford.”
…Rob Ford gave a tear-filled concession speech from the front porch of a rundown crackhouse.
Former White House press secretary Jay Carney revealed that President Obama doesn't watch cable news. Obama gets his news the old-fashioned way, by having protesters shout it at him.
…Joe Biden doesn’t watch cable news either — not by choice, he just can’t afford cable.
November 5th has been declared “Britney Spears Day” in Las Vegas. When she heard the news, Britney Spears said, “Cool! Who’s that?”.
Dunkin’ Donuts is ready to introduce their own take on the popular “cronut.” In what must have been an unfortunate miscommunication, the Dunkin’ Donuts version of the cronut is just a donut stapled to a cross.
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