Hey, folks! Back again to fill you all in on what wonderfully weird stuff happened today. And so it begins...
Start from the gutter, a California doctor suggested his patient give oral sex to cure her gag reflex - and you do NOT want to know what he suggested she do to unplug her bowel obstruction.
Alright, let's get to important stuff. President Obama is now trying to wield some of his charm to keep control during the AP hacking scandal. So far, his most charming and touching remark was, "You know, baby? Sometimes I hack your phone just so I can hear the sound of your voice".
More Obama criticism, President Obama caused a stir when he required two marines to hold his umbrella for him during a particularly stormy press conference. Even worse later that day when Biden had three marines check under his bed for thunder monsters.
Pseudo-political, a recent study found that men with bigger biceps tended to side with the GOP on fiscal policy - mainly because it's hard not to get buff when you just wrote out 35,000 tax loopholes on a single bill.
It's time to get out of politics! I should bring this up, the Cannes Film Festival was reportedly hit with a $1,000,000 jewelry heist. Apparently, robbers made out with Meryl Streep's Tiffany necklace and Jack Nicholson's diamond penis stud he calls "Trim for My Holly-woody".
End with a pun? Why not? I hope you enjoyed the jokes and - if you didn't - there will be more in the future that will surely pull your heartstrings.
See you tomorrow!
EDIT: Typos eliminated via /u/riddles500
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