10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants......
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