The Top 16 Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time

16> 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe


15> Bob Marley's cause: freedom and equality


U2's cause: third world debt relief


Your band's cause: irritable bowel syndrome


14> All your members are allergic to Spandex *and* Aqua Net.


13> The term "heavy metal" refers to the collective weight of the band's orthodontics.


12> Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.


11> "I'm sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn't what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone."


10> A Spice Girls cover band just doesn't work if you're 35 years old. And male. And there's only one of you.


9> Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.


8> You're too busy making sequels to "The Matrix," and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.


7> Band motto: "Practice is for wusses."


6> Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA


5> Your goals, in order of priority:


1) Score some drugs


2) Score some chicks


3) Score some instruments


4> Your band's video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV -- as a promo for "Jackass."


3> Your female lead singer has talent -- just not D-cup talent.


2> You keep letting David Lee Roth back in.


1> Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band "Closed For Private Party" was a big mistake.


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]