The Top 15 Signs You're Not Getting a Bonus This Year

15> You've been assigned to bake five dozen Ebenezer Scrooge cookies for the annual holiday party.


14> Your last pickup basketball game with the guys from the office was played "shirts and no-bonuses."


13> Your CEO delivers his annual holiday message via satellite from the Cayman Islands and ends with "So long, suckers!"


12> Heck, your last *paycheck* was scratched out on a lump of coal.


11> You just buzzed the cops through the front gate at Neverland without checking their badges.


10> Every time you walk past the boss' office, he throws another stapler at you.


9> Your boss flew halfway around the world to meet you for Thanksgiving -- then gave you a fake turkey.


8> Your latest job task: Pilfer office supplies from unsuspecting post offices and copy shops.


7> There won't be anything left for a bonus after they pay off those secretaries you groped.


6> Let's just say that this gig as pyrotechnics engineer for Great White hasn't been the career move you envisioned.


5> Holiday party "buffet" nothing but abandoned lunches from the break room fridge.


4> Your shoe company already gave all its excess cash to LeBron.


3> Your new cubicle doubles as a men's room stall.


2> Bonus, schmonus -- in the grand scheme of things, having your boss walk in while you were banging his wife is reward enough.


1> Your cash bonus was confiscated when the U.S. Army captured your boss in a farmhouse outside of Tikrit.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]