The Top 15 Signs You're Being Investigated by Kenneth Starr

15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.


14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with "Testing... 1, 2, 3."


13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.


12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops! That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)


11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.


10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."


9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem.


8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace Ventura-Gate."


7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude from the waist down.


6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi dictator.


5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.


4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."


3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.


2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa.


1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones"?