The Top 15 Differences if Barbra Streisand Were President

15> "Hail to the Chief" suspended. Sargent at Arms now simply squeals, "Hello, Gorgeous!"


14> Intense international negotiations conclude with air kisses and "Don't change, you're perfect."


13> Secret service has a dog of a time outfitting their see-through pajamas with Kevlar.


12> Absolutely no doubt for whom Palm Beach County voted.


11> Initiative to have her likeness added to Mt. Rushmore scuttled due to costly biannual face lifts.


10> Her media nickname: Presidentl


9> Incessant bitching and moaning replaces baseball as the national pastime.


8> Solves every international crisis by marrying that country's most-washed-up actor.


7> Aretha Franklin has to sing Streisand's State of the Union Speech when she blows it off.


6> Alec Baldwin suddenly has a lot more traveling companions.


5> State of the Union address nominated for a Grammy.


4> Bette Midler put to death.


3> Bill Clinton would be getting some in the Oval Office again.


2> Prospective Cabinet members undone one by one during confirmation hearings when they are forced to admit under oath that they walked out of the theater halfway through "The Mirror Has Two Faces."


1> After every State of the Union address, Barney Frank approaches the stage with flowers, crying.


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]