The tale of Dmitri

Dmitri was a struggling poet in his village. He could craft the greatest of ballads, but no one would listen to them. They were too preoccupied with the two big-time poets in the neighboring castle. The poets called themselves ShakespeareA and ShakespeareB. Their work was terrible, but the common folk were so enticed with the original work of the real Shakespeare that the brand name just kept rolling. The two Shakes were so conceited that they even believed that they were actually Shakespeares, and built two identical Globes that they lived in. Dmitri was tired of their fookin shite. So he took a trip to the local assassin, a shady man who had a sweet tooth for bakery treats. The assassin was so corrupt that he'd kill a man for just a single scone. Dmitri hit it off with the assassin instantly, and they struck an emotional connection that still stands today. Dmitri's poetry about cake plucked at the assassins heart strings, so he offered to lower his price to half a scone per man killed. Dmitri smiled and agreed, and before you could say "iambic pentameter" the two Shakes were found mysteriously dead, a silver arrow embedded in each of their necks. After this, the common folk began to listen to Dmitri's poetry. They loved it! Dmitri enjoyed immense wealth, and he and the assassin lived in high luxury. One day a man went up to Dmitri, and asked how Shakespeare A and Shakespeare B had overshadowed him for so long. Dmitri simply answered, "What can I say, *I killed two Bards with one scone!"*