Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.
Bernie went first, he took off from the starting line, but in his old age just couldn't keep up his pace and ended up with a final time of 45 minutes and 17 seconds.
Trump goes next, he hauls ass around the grounds not letting up for a second and finishes with a time of 9 minutes and 56 seconds.
Hillary goes last and just takes off, jumping over bushes, crashing through flower beds, not giving a single fuck. She finally crosses the finish line with a time of 9 minutes and 32 seconds.
She turns to Obama and says "Wow! That's got to be some kind of record!" Obama replies "You'd think so, but Bush did 9:11."
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