The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have sex with the ugliest women there, and if I'm able to finish, I'll be free to go.

I think this over, and figure how ugly could she be? And I agree to give it a try.

So Satan leads me to this little bedroom, and tells me to make myself comfortable. So I strip down to my socks and sit on the bed to wait for my partner to arrive.

Soon, I hear on a booming knock on the door, and in comes the ugliest woman in Hell. Trust me when I tell you: whatever you're picturing, this woman is infinitely worse.

Her face (if you can call it a face) was covered in oozing sores, eyes so sunken back in her head I wondered if they had fallen out, her mouth half filled with the jagged remains of teeth, and a mess of thick wirey hairs poked out from her chin. Even from across the room her breath hit me harder than the truck that sent me there in the first place.

Her body was hunched and lumpy - I honestly couldn't tell which lumps were which parts of her anatomy, even after she had removed her clothes. It was just a heap of flesh and lard that looked like it had never been washed in the hundred and fifty or so years that it looked like she'd been alive.

She walked to the bed, grunting something that I took to mean that it was time to get started.

My penis had shot back into my body like a turtle head, but I knew that my only chance of escaping an eternity of torment was to finish this deed.

So, I closed my eyes, held my breath, and with intense concentration, I was able to get half an erection, and the she-beast climbed on top.

Let me tell you, even with my eyes closed and breath held, there was no escaping the texture. The thick, pungent, sticky... stuff down there made it difficult to keep from vomiting. But I just went into a zen state, imagined it was just a congealed and rotting cheese sandwich, and after a while, I had the most unwilling orgasm of my life (or afterlife).

The thing left the room, and the devil walked in, amazed that I was able to complete the task, as many had tried, but none had yet succeeded. But he agreed to keep his end of the bargain, and led me out the door.

As we were walking toward the exit, we passed another bedroom door, and through it I saw Jim, having sex with Jennifer Lawrence.

"Whoah, Satan," I said, "What the heck? I had to have sex with that creature, but Jim gets to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?"

"Well, sure," said Satan, "Jennifer Lawrence wants to get out of here, too."