The Golden Screw (very long)

So one day a man and his wife are expecting a baby. As they settle down for the night, the wife suddenly gasps and tells him "It's time!" so they hurry out to the car and race to the hospital. After hours that feel like days, she finally gives birth to a healthy baby boy, and as they both gaze lovingly on him they see he has all the right number of fingers and toes, shining bright eyes, and a cute little giggle. In short, a wonderful child. As time passes, they settle in to being new parents, watching him grow and eagerly awaiting his first steps and his first word like all parents do, and he continues to grow and be healthy and strong. One day, years later, the boy is being bathed and he is splashing and playing with his bath toys when a glint catches his eye. He looks down and sees it again as his mother moves her head out of the light, and so he tries to figure it out and finds deep in his belly button there is a little golden screw. He pokes at it, but it doesn't seem to hurt and feels pretty snug and soon he forgets about it as his ducky floats into view again. A few more years pass, he does well in school and is one of those kids that is popular but never lets it go to his head. He has friends, and everyone else just thinks of him as a good kid, even his teachers can tell he is special and destined to go far. One evening after finishing his chores and homework he heads up to shower before bed, and due to a particularly fuzzy new sweater, finds some lint in his belly button. As he goes to wash it out he finds the tiny golden screw again and this time since he is older he thinks to ask. As he is being tucked in he says "Mom, do you know why I have a little golden screw deep in my belly button?" and she replies "I saw that when you were born, and I asked the doctors and they examined you very carefully. They tested and x-rayed and prodded and found that it was not harmful at all and since they didn't know why it was there they left it alone. So, now that you have asked I can tell you that it is perfectly harmless and you should just try to ignore it." Since the boy loved his parents and knew they loved him he was satisfied and went to sleep. Many years later the boy graduated from high school and was accepted into a very prestigious college. Wanting to do good for the world, and to make his parents proud and reward them for all they had done for him, he chose to study medicine so he might one day become a doctor. Also, though it never came up again, he had been slowly growing more and more curious about the little golden screw in his belly button. He had played sports, and even fooled around a bit with some girls, and though he never mentioned it he had always taken a second to check, if he could, and had never seen anyone else with anything unusual in their belly buttons. Part of what made him want to be a doctor was to see if there was an explanation for him. So he went on to college, and studied very hard, keeping his grades up near the top of class and all the while spending any extra time he had doing extra research on belly buttons and golden screws. He graduated and went on to a successful practice, specializing in gastroenterology and seeing many patients with stomach ailments and helping them greatly. His studies kept going and he discovered a new method for helping with heartburn and with his deeper understanding a new insight on defecation that revolutionized the toilet industry but nothing he saw, read, or discovered helped explain the little golden screw in his belly button. Eventually he grew frustrated and one day had an epiphany, medicine was never going to find the answer for him. He carefully settled his accounts, and went about closing his practice and letting people know that he was retiring from medicine. If they pressed, he would tell them he was feeling a calling and indeed those friends were not surprised to hear he had taken vows to follow the local religion the next week. Reasoning that medicine did not have an answer, he turned to religion and once again invested himself completely in his new life. Taking a vow of silence he moved to a far off monastery where he begin reading and learning from the hundreds of tomes they had there. His fellow monks were in awe at his voracious appetite for the truth, often marveling at how his faith must be strong to sustain him as he spent nearly every waking moment reading and praying over the collected knowledge of centuries of holy men. Eventually he came to end his vow of silence, and while tentative at first soon he was speaking and discussing what he had learned with all his fellow devotees. His insights and understanding were incredible, and many felt an almost miraculous joy when he would work out some new connection that clarified even more the tenets of their faith. Sadly, though he was rapidly becoming one the most devout and learned men of the church, in his heart he was growing more lost as he still sought an answer to the question of the golden screw and no tome had yet revealed it to him. Once again he felt that he had come to the end of a journey, and though he loved his fellow monks he could not in good faith stay as he was no longer true in his heart, he had to move on and seek elsewhere for his answer. Taking up his old things he left the monastery and went out into the world once again. With his medical knowledge and inner peace from his faith, he started to travel the globe helping others and doing good works. He would travel to far off lands, often finding the most remote and sometimes forgotten people and would take time to learn from them, their languages and cultures, helping them in whatever way he could and always seeking out the most knowledgeable among them to eventually ask one question. Do they know anything about the golden screw? For the next two decades he wandered, covering every inhabited place on earth, learning cultures and languages all over and becoming someone who could fit in anywhere. Eventually he was so known that he found himself traveling among the great and powerful in every region, spending time with presidents and kings, imams and warlords, people who took to him their most vexing problems and with his vast experience he was often able to help solve them. He was responsible for peace treaties, and social reforms, economic growth and the fostering of global understanding. He never charged for his services, nor did he ask for recognition, but invariably he would find a moment to ask these great leaders and their learned advisors the question, which still haunted him, did they know of the golden screw? He eventually came to realize that no one had the answer, though he had not asked every person on earth he had asked enough to realize that he was unique and alone in this and so he once again moved on from his quest and secluded himself from the world. He spent weeks in meditation, praying in silence, and fasting, taking mixtures he had learned of to help open his inner eye and expand his mind, seeking his answer through mysticism and hoping for a sign from beyond the earthly realms. As he slowly wasted away, his quest seemed to be ending not with an answer but with his profound sense of failure. By chance, a boy he had met as a child in school was unbeknownst to him assigned a new job as a mail carrier in the neighborhood where he was seeking his answers. After weeks of seeing the mail pile up he became concerned and so he knocked on the door of the house, and it swung open for him. As it did, he saw his old friend laying on the floor nearly gone and rushed to his aid. In his delirium the man though he was seeing an ethereal figure coming to him and he tried to ask 'What is the golden screw?" and though the friend heard nothing more than a dry whisper he cradled his friend as he called for help "Send a driver quickly!" he yelled into the phone and the man heard him as "Seek the screwdriver within!". The ambulance arrived and the man was rushed to the hospital, and though he was very weak he was able to recover and one day found himself once again hale and healthy. Though he still had no answer, he now had a new quest, to find the screwdriver that would fit with his golden screw. He just knew that when he found it he would find his answers! Once again he went into the world, this time seeking out the wisest of wise men, whose deep understanding of the mystic world surely must give them insights like the one he had. Swamis, yogis, cultists and prophets, he sought them all out and no longer asked of the golden screw but of a screwdriver and slowly he began to get clues and intimations that such a thing might exist. One man in a smoke filled hut said that centuries ago such a thing had been worshiped but was lost to a holy war. On another continent a mystic in a trailer in the back of a traveling show confirmed that they had a tale of stealing the relic but it had been cursed and so they had left it behind to flee it's darkness. Crossing to the land of their origin he hunted down a local wise woman who many said was a witch, and she was able to relate how decades ago they had found the relic in a haunted wood, and it was thought to be a bad omen and so they sent it away to a holy man to have it cleansed. Finally he had a name! She knew of the place it was sent and the holy man was a yogi in a far off land! Once again he traveled, with a name to guide him, and slowly made his way from one village to the next until he found himself at a temple at the base of a towering mountain. Going inside he waited patiently, though his heart raced, and finally was brought to the leader of the temple where he asked his question. The leader looked at the man, and with sad eyes told him that yes they knew of the screwdriver and that they were indeed the ones it had been sent to to be cleansed. The leader looked t him and said
"I am not the head of this temple, I am but his assistant. For, you see, our leader took the relic and went to our most holy shrine to purify it. It is at the top of this mountain, in a small cave, with no path and many dangerous pitfalls before it. Only the most blessed and pure have ever made it there and that is where, if anywhere, it is. But! He left years ago and we have not heard from him since, we wait for his return or a sign of his passing but we have not seen him since he left with the screwdriver." The man realized now what he must do. He had done good works all his life, helped many others and lived a long life, and now he must take one last trek to either find his answer or pass away in the attempt. "Good sir, please help me prepare myself for this pilgrimage. Anoint me, dress me, and say with me the words I must say to ready me. For tomorrow I begin my ascent to find the screwdriver, and if I can I will send you word of your most high leader." With that he began, and they shaved his head and washed him, gave him the robes and sandals of a penitent, and spoke with him the words that would aid him and protect him. He began his climb, and at first it was as simple as walking up a hill. It grew steeper, and he began to need to navigate around large rocks, or places where the soil was loose and so it became more challenging. Eventually it grew steep enough that he had to climb, and so he did using the many cracks and divots in the cliff face to move ever upward. Soon the cliff became more smooth, years of weather like the winds that tugged at him now had worn away the features. Now he often had to backtrack as he found himself climbing into spots where there was no where else to go, though each time when he did he could see another path to one side and so he would climb down and go that way. This went on for three days, his small bag of water ran out, and a small storm passed by allowing him to get more at the cost of nearly washing him away. His hands and feet became little more than claws, tools to help him climb. His years of focus on finding the screw aided him in making the climb, physical and mental exhaustion were ignored as he focused on his goal. Suddenly, he reached up and found a flat surface. His mind came back to him and he realized he was on the lip of a cave, he had made it! He worked his way up and onto the cave floor and passed out, his body finally demanding the rest he had denied it. He came to to the sound of humming, a regular melodious hum of a familiar chat. He opened his eyes and saw a small light, as he focused he realized it was a candle at the back of the cave and in the darkness he saw a wizened old man seated by it and that was the source of the humming. He sat up slowly and met the man's eyes, the man smiled and as he opened his mouth to ask the old man said, "You have come for the screwdriver." He modded slowly, and the old yogi pointed to a spot next to the candle. He moved over and sat there across from him and said, "Then it is real? You have it?". The old man reached into a small bag, and slowly pulled out a tiny golden object, as he brought it into the light the man saw it was a perfectly crafted screwdriver with a head that was the absolute reverse of the head of the screw in his belly button. He reached out and took it from the man, who modded and smiled saying, "In all the world, for all time, there has only been one man for whom this relic has meaning." The man stood up shakily, in awe he opened his robes and gently felt his belly button for the screw. Then with trembling hands he guided the screw driver towards it, feeling an almost euphoric thrill as the driver fit perfectly, a tingling running through his body at the touch. Slowly, gently, he began to turn the screwdriver, and though it had never moved before the screw spun smoothly and silently as he did. One, two, three full turns he took.

And his butt fell off.