The College Food Chain

THE DEAN


Leaps tall buildings in a single bound


Is more powerful than a locomotive


Is faster than a speeding bullet


Walks on water


Gives policy to God


THE DEPARTMENT HEAD


Leaps short buildings in a single bound


Is more powerful than a switch engine


Is just as fast as a speeding bullet


Talks with God


PROFESSOR


Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds


Is almost as powerful a switch engine


Is faster than a speeding BB


Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool


Talks with God if a special request is honored


ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR


Barely clears a quonset hut


Loses tug of war with a locomotive


Can fire a speeding bullet


Swims well


Is occasionally addressed by God


ASSISTANT PROFESSOR


Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings


Is run over by locomotives


Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury


Treads water


Talks to animals


INSTRUCTOR


Climbs walls continually


Rides the rails


Plays russian roulette


Walks on thin ice


Prays a lot


GRADUATE STUDENT


Runs into buildings


Recognizes locomotives two out of three times


Is not issued ammunition


Can stay afloat with a life jacket


Talks to walls


UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT


Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings


Says "Look at the choo-choo"


Wets himself with a water pistol


Plays in mud puddles


Mumbles to himself