The Cheerio Joke

On a planet called Cheeriolia, the population is divided into three societal classes: Cheerios are the lower class, Applejacks are in the middle, and Fruit Loops are the wealthy elite. One cannot intermarry between classes, unfortunately, and discrimination is rampant between them. An authoritarian government keeps very close tabs on individual classes and poverty lines criss-cross through big cities. Cheerios are doomed to a certain limit of wealth, Applejacks cannot earn more than Fruit Loops, and Fruit Loops must pay even heavier taxes. Life is difficult, and each class has its own unique complaints with the way they are forced to live.

A Cheerio named Joe worked at a local Wal-Mart as a cashier, a position he had held for years because his boss is a penny-pinching Applejack. One day, he was bagging groceries for a fellow Cheerio when a Fruit Loop walked through the door, frantically darting her eyes around, panting. She ran down a couple isles, found what she was looking for, and hurried to the check-out area. The Fruit Loop had jumped into the same express lane that Joe was manning. Even though the line was moving quickly, it was an especially busy day and there were quite a few people in the queue. She exclaimed,

“Won’t this line move any faster?”

The Cheerio in front of her shook his head and chuckled to himself. The Fruit Loop didn’t notice. She stood with her one item tucked under her arm, glaring at the rest of the line. Five minutes later, she was at the line’s head. Joe looked at her, in awe of her beauty. She was, perhaps, the most beautiful Fruit Loop he had ever seen. His mouth fell open as she said,

“I don’t usually shop here…”

Her pejorative comment had no effect on Joe, who still could not believe his eyes. The Fruit Loop had to snap her fingers in Joe’s face for him to finally take her credit card. She paid and left, but Joe could not stop thinking about her. He resolved to find out who she was and make her fall in love with him. There was only one problem: he was a Cheerio, and she was a Fruit Loop—even if she *did* love him, it was against the law for them to marry. Still, the thought of love and marriage was hopeful, and it occupied his mind for the next two years.

During those next two years, Joe never stopped thinking about the beautiful Fruit Loop. He worked as hard as he could, bought a chin-up bar to hand in the doorway of his tiny apartment, and subscribed to a gym membership. Joe lost some weight, started running in the mornings, and let his beard grow out. One day, much to his surprise, he awoke to a brand-new, hot-pink body that smelled very sweetly of apples. He had made the jump from Cheerio to Applejack!

That morning, Joe walked through the doors of the Wal-Mart and his co-workers stared at him, with their mouths agape. He continued working as a cashier, but one day the CEO of Wal-Mart fired Joe’s boss and promoted him to manager at the request of his co-workers, who knew his humble nature and diligence would help their local Wal-Mart. He doubled their pay, and even helped stock shelves when he had nothing else to do.

A few months passed, and Joe still worked out after the workday ended, but he became very lonely. The beautiful Fruit Loop still was all he thought about, so he devoted even more of his time to work and committed himself to physical fitness. In his deluded aspirations, he sought to win the heart of the Fruit Loop without even knowing her name.

Just as his hope was running low, the same Fruit Loop entered the Wal-Mart, again looking very rushed, and ran down the aisle frantically looking for another item. As she was running around a corner, she ran into Joe, who was carrying a stack of boxes. They collapsed onto the floor. The Fruit Loop began to shout obscenities as Joe helped her up.

“Sorry, miss.”

She sighed.

“No, I’m sorry. I ran into you. I should have been watching.”

“I’m Joe.”

His voice quivered slightly, and he held out his hand.

“Vanessa.”

Joe led Vanessa to the cashiers, where he let his Cheerio employee go on break so he could check Vanessa out. He took a good look at her, and it was as if not a day had passed since he had seen her last. The only difference now was that he was a jacked-up Applejack who felt much closer to winning Vanessa’s heart. She took her item and left once again. Thoughts of marrying Vanessa didn’t leave his mind for three more years.

In those three years, Joe committed every waking moment to physical fitness. He was promoted at work and given authority over all the Wal-Marts in the tri-state area. Joe was still kind to his employees and gave them high salaries, but the economy was booming and he earned quite a bit of money without working very long hours. He attended some formal parties for Wal-Mart executive Fruit Loops and saw they way they lived, so luxuriously. Joe envied it. But all his wishes and hopes relied on his body and what he was made of. He did not lose hope. And one day, much to Joe’s glee, he awoke to a brand-new, sugar-coated, bright blue body. He was finally a Fruit Loop!

That morning, Joe walked from his penthouse flat to the office and, like he usually did, ran up the stairs. All the cubicles were full when he entered, and everyone peered over to get a look at his new body. All the Applejacks in accounting were amazed, all the Applejacks in IT were amazed, and all the Applejacks in administration were amazed. His boss, the Fruit Loop directly under the CEO, took notice quickly and put in a good word with the CFO, who put in an even better word with the CEO. Both thought very highly of Joe and both thought he would make the perfect CEO one day. No-one knew that the CFO was sleeping with the CEO’s wife, however, and when the CEO found out, he delved so deep into alcohol that the board of trustees voted to let him go and replace him with Joe.

One day, Joe was walking down the street to the office when he passed Vanessa. She had not aged one day in the last three years, and he immediately stopped to reintroduce himself. Vanessa was surprised it was Joe, because she remembered him to be a mere Applejack, but she did remember him nonetheless. He asked her out for some drinks later that night, and she agreed.

Later that night, they met at a bar and got to talking. Joe discovered that Vanessa, despite her goddess-like beauty, had never been married and had only dated a couple other Fruit Loops. He was just as surprised when Vanessa said that she was interested in dating himself. Joe replied with a definite “yes” without hesitation. His dream had come true; now he was to only win her heart. When Joe got home that night, he put himself through the most strenuous workout he had ever done and fell asleep immediately after he had done his last deadlift.

Vanessa and Joe dated for eight months. Then, one day, on the terrace of his penthouse overlooking the harbor, Joe asked her to marry him. Vanessa screamed “yes!”

Over the next eight years, Joe and Vanessa were faithful to each other. They had three healthy, beautiful children, and Joe continued working as the CEO of Wal-Mart. The company flourished and Joe was able to buy a large mansion out in the country where he hoped to raise his children. He kept the penthouse in the city in case he had to work late, but most of the time he was able to drive home and read his kids their bedtime stories. Vanessa never aged a day, and Joe loved her with all his heart. He had finally fulfilled his dream, and life was good.

One day, Joe was finished with an important meeting and decided to clock out and drive home to surprise his children. He had forgotten what time the school day ended and arrived in the early afternoon at his mansion. A sleek, black sedan was in the driveway, and Joe didn’t know whose it was. He cracked open the front door slowly, and went straight to the bedroom without calling his wife’s name. Joe had a terrible feeling in his stomach. He threw the door to the master bedroom wide open and saw Vanessa in bed with the old CFO. He screamed obscenities at him and threw him out of his house. Vanessa tried to explain that it meant nothing, that she still loved him, but Joe would have none of it. He packed a bag, booked a plane ticket, called the office saying that he was taking a brief leave of absence, and drove to the airport, distraught.

He boarded a plane destined for Hawai’i and watched as his home grew smaller and smaller in the distance. Joe decided he would stay in Hawai’i for a week to get his head straight and figure out what to do. When the plane arrived the next day, Joe found a five-star hotel right next to the beach. The view was lovely, and every morning before the sun was at its hottest, he would walk along the waves and think about his life. He was troubled, but at the same time he was proud of himself and what he had made of himself. Joe wasn’t sure what to do.

One morning, he passed a young, beautiful woman walking the other way. She was a Fruit Loop, like himself, and though she was not as pretty as Vanessa, she was still breathtaking. Joe stopped, introduced himself, and offered to take her up to a favorite bar by the beach for some fruit juice. The Fruit Loop said her name was Merlot and that she, too, was on vacation. They had a few drinks and talked all afternoon; they told each other their darkest secrets and, by sunset, Joe felt like he knew Merlot better than he had ever known his wife. As the moon was rising, they kissed under the stars, and Joe took Merlot back to his hotel room.

The next day, they both walked along the water. The passed the same bar they had stopped at the day before, and a sign hung in the window:

“We’re closed for the Juice Festival on 3rd Street.”

The couple was puzzled, so the walked hand in hand to the location the sign specified. A large, frightening bouncer-Applejack stood in the doorway, so Joe gave him a tip and he let them in. The party inside was loud and exciting. Along the far wall, rows and rows of booths surrounded a buffet line. The music playing was so catchy, however, that Merlot dragged Joe onto the dancefloor. Hours passed, and they were soon tired. Looking for a place to sit, the picked a booth. They kissed again. Joe felt like a new breakfast cereal.

Smells coming from the buffet were so enticing that they had to try a little of everything. They stood in line and chatted up some of the other vacationers who were there for the food and drink. Soon, all the salty food had rendered them both very thirsty. When Joe offered to go find the line for the juice they had seen advertised, he stood between the islands of food and looked around. He didn’t see any juice. There was no punch line.