Steven Wright

These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright


You can't have everything, where would you put it?


I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and
pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.


I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in
the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and
hired myself.


I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said,
"Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."


My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the
hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use
it.


I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is
what started global warming.


I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.


During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator
with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this
and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I
said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.


I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got
there.


I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice
can I swim without getting wet?"


If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn
on my head lights would they do anything?


I can levetate birds but nobody cares.


It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the
live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.