I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.
[Source](http://time.com/3270645/joan-rivers-dead-one-liners/)
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