Rejection Letters

Dear Sir: A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


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Dear Sir:


Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.


Sincerely,
Human Recourses


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Dear Sir:


You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


********************


Dear Sir:


Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


********************


Dear Sir:


Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?


Sincerely,
Personnel


********************


Dear Sir:


If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.


Sincerely,
Human Recources


********************


Dear Sir:


We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


********************


Dear Sir:


Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


********************


Dear Sir:


While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?


Sincerely,
Personnel Department


********************


Dear Sir:


It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut."
(Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he
said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.


Sincerely,
Personnel Department