"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno
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