Quips and Quotes

Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language -- and that's just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. --Donna Gephart


Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly -- now that's probably got some nasty roots on it. --Crabby Road


He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding. --Michel Marriott


She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle of a sewing machine while it's running. --Nelda Flynn


Philosophy of Life: What it comes down to is, when you come into the world you have nothing ... when you leave you have nothing ... and in between there's the IRS. --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)


Word skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere. --Amy Tan


A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily. --Dan Seligman


The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. --Jerry Seinfeld


She uses tired clichis like coasters -- a place to rest her mind before picking it up and using it again. --Janet Schwind


"Charity begins at home." At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner. --Crabby Road


The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way. --Earle Hitchner


Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches. Joe Ryan


If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. --Greg Parrish


For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they're allowed to work. --Chris Gahan


Whenever I'm driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, "That's for the coyote!" I don't really like the coyote, but it's a good excuse to run over things. --Craig Stacey


I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. --Paul Paternoster


If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy. --Wade Kwon


I don't see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. --Paul Paternoster


I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference. --Steven Wright


Old lie -- The check is in the mail. New lie -- I didn't check the e-mail. --Brian Fine


I won't stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip. --Crabby Road