Purple People Eater

So I'm sitting in class one day when I see a group of kids huddled together a few seats over whispering about something. Now, curiosity has always been wont to get the better of me, and today was no different. With a little bit of discrete eavesdropping, I manage to pick up that they're discussing something called a "purple people eater." In an admittedly rash decision, I ask them, "Hey guys, what's a purple people eater?" They stiffen up, give me a weird look, and call the teacher over, saying, "Teacher, TheYear20XX is asking about purple people eaters!"

Visibly confused and distressed, the teacher asks me if I have anything to say for myself. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called you over. So, teacher, what's a purple people eater?" The teacher becomes seemingly enraged, but as she is currently teaching a class, she restrains herself and very intensely tells me to go to the principal's office. Not wanting to enrage her further, I head down there.

When I get to the office, the receptionist gives me a smile asks what she can do for me. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, and here I am. So, receptionist, what's a purple people eater?" The receptionist gives me a look of sheer disgust, goes straight to the principal's office, comes back, and waves me in without a word.

When I enter the office, the principal asks me what trouble I've gotten into now. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me here, and here I am. So, principal, what's a purple people eater?" The principal doesn't respond and instead stares into the distance. In a voice trembling with fear, she says, "Son, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good." She then writes me a month's suspension and tells me to go home.

When I get home, my mom is very confused as to why I'm not at school. She asks me if I'm sick and if everything is all right. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me to the principal's office, so I asked the principal what a purple people eater was. She wrote me a month's suspension and sent me home, and here I am. So, mom, what's a purple people eater?" My mother immediately bursts into tears. After spending a good 5 minutes calming her down and getting her into a state where she's able to speak, she sends me to my room and tells me to wait until my father gets home. Not wanting to upset her any further, I immediately go to my room and wait.

When my father gets home, he comes up to my room and asks why my mother is crying. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me to the principal's office, so I asked the principal what a purple people eater was. She wrote me a month's suspension and sent me home, so I asked mom what a purple people eater was. She started crying and sent me to my room, and here I am. So, dad, what's a purple people eater?" My father, normally a reasonable man, suddenly strikes me across the face. My cheek still stinging, he says that I am no longer any son of his and tells me to pack my bags and get out of his house.

Without many other options, I throw some clothes in a suitcase, gather some money, and walk out the door. I hail a taxi and instruct the driver to drive me to my grandmother's house. Along the way, the driver notices I'm extremely quiet and asks if I'm OK. I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me to the principal's office, so I asked the principal what a purple people eater was. She wrote me a month's suspension and sent me home, so I asked my mom what a purple people eater was. She started crying and sent me to my room, so when my father came to talk to me, I asked him what a purple people eater was. He disowned me and kicked me out of the house, and here I am. So, taxi driver, what's a purple people eater?" And the taxi driver simply pulls a hidden gun out from under his seat and shoots me in the face.

I wake up surrounded by clouds and with a man in front of me. The man says, "I am St. Peter, and these are the Pearly Gates. Tell me son, what events led to your death?" I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me to the principal's office, so I asked the principal what a purple people eater was. She wrote me a month's suspension and sent me home, so I asked my mom what a purple people eater was. She started crying and sent me to my room, so when my father came to talk to me, I asked him what a purple people eater was. He disowned me and kicked me out of the house, so I got in a cab and asked the driver what a purple people eater was. He pulled out a gun and shot me, and here I am. So, St. Peter, what's a purple people eater?" And without a word, St. Peter opens up his book and crosses my name right out.

I wake up surrounded by fire, the smell of sulfur pervading the area, and a man standing in front of me. The man says, "I am Satan. Welcome to Hell, young man. Tell me, what unfortunate series of events landed you in this Godforsaken place?" I say, "Well, I was sitting in class when I heard some guys talking about a purple people eater. I didn't know what it was, so I asked them what a purple people eater was. They called the teacher over, so I asked her what a purple people eater was. She told me to go to the principal's office, so I went there and asked the receptionist what a purple people eater was. She sent me to the principal's office, so I asked the principal what a purple people eater was. She wrote me a month's suspension and sent me home, so I asked my mom what a purple people eater was. She started crying and sent me to my room, so when my father came to talk to me, I asked him what a purple people eater was. He disowned me and kicked me out of the house, so I got in a cab and asked the driver what a purple people eater was. He pulled out a gun and shot me, so I went to Heaven and asked St. Peter what a purple people eater was. He crossed my name out of the Book of Life, and here I am. So, Satan, what's a purple people eater?" And Satan says, "Son, that's just a really long and rambling wall of text with no punch line designed to waste time and piss off a bunch of people on reddit."