My wife saw some substance on the bathroom floor.
She asks me: "Is this semen?"
I play it off by investigating with her: "Well let's take a look here. It has a rubbery texture, with a hint of yellow. It's certainly semen, the kind that can get you pregnant which is why we're in such financial distress. Based on my calculation, the suspect must had rubbed one out 2- 3 hours ago, during the time you were shopping with your mother. Judging by the mass, he was certainly fantasizing about his beautiful wife the entire time, not while watching Asian Midget porn on his phone."
Didn't work. She checked my phone.
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