Matt loved trains.

Matt loved trains. His Uncle John would bounce him on his knee as a child and tell him stories about steam engines and the old days of the railroad.

Matt loved trains so much that he went to the Harvard School of Trains. He graduated as the valedictorian of his class and was the hottest candidate for top train conducting positions at every major rail company in the United States.

After graduating college, Matt earned a job in California as a train conductor near Los Angeles.

After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of surfer dudes on the tracks. Matt *hated* surfer dudes with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling surfer dudes to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world.

Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the surfer dudes to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the surfer dudes so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the surfer dudes and killed them all. Their families were devastated.

Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached Beverly Hills railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. The executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana.

**"Where the hell can I find a silver banana?"** The executioner asked, agitated that Matt would ask for such an unusual item.

Matt explained, **"You can find a silver banana at the top of Mt. Everest. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer mountain goats."**

The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt's request. Using taxpayer dollars, the LA Police Dept. sent a team of mountain climbers up to Mt. Everest, led by the king of mountain climbing Reinhold Messner himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the peak of the mountain, guarded by seemingly docile mountain goats.

The rookie of the mountain climbing group says, **"Ha. Stupid goats. They can't hurt us at all. They're not even doing anything to us."** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the goats go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these mountain goats except for Reinhold Messner, who managed to crawl back to Los Angeles. With his dying breath, he says **"Here is the silver banana,"** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the mountain climbing community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies.

Matt's execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk.

Since Matt was banned from working on any California railroad, he moved up north to Seattle, in hopes of starting a new life. He got a job near Seattle as a train conductor and was able to convince the hiring manager that he was reformed and would not slip up again.

After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of hipsters on the tracks. Matt *hated* hipsters with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling hipsters to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world.

Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the hipsters to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the hipsters so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the hipsters and killed them all. Their families were devastated.

Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached the Space Needle railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. As it turns out, the executioner from Los Angeles had moved back to Seattle in order to be closer with his loved ones. Bewildered, shocked, and angry, the executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana.

**"Another silver banana? Where the hell can I find a silver banana? At the top of Mt. Everest again?"** The executioner asked, exasperated and flabbergasted.

Matt explained, **"No, you can find a silver banana at the core of the Yellowstone National Park volcano. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer bison."**

The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt's request. Using taxpayer dollars, the Seattle Police Dept. sent a team of volcanologists to explore the inside of the Yellowstone volcano, led by the king of volcanology Kenneth Hon himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the very center of the volcano, guarded by seemingly docile (and temperature-resistant) bison.

The rookie of the volcanologist group says, **"Ha. Stupid bison. They can't hurt us at all. They're not even doing anything to us."** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the bison go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these bison except for Kenneth Hon, who managed to crawl back to Seattle. With his dying breath, he says **"Here is the silver banana,"** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the volcanology community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies.

Matt's execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk.

Since Matt was banned from working on any California or Washington state railroad, he moved overseas to Switzerland, in hopes of starting a new life. He got a job near Zürich as a train conductor and was able to convince the hiring manager that he was reformed and would not slip up again.

After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of yodelers on the tracks. Matt *hated* yodelers with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling yodelers to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world.

Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the yodelers to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the yodelers so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the yodelers and killed them all. Their families were devastated.

Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached the Zürich railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. As it turns out, the executioner from Los Angeles who had moved back to Seattle in order to be closer with his loved ones ended up getting sick of his family and moved to Switzerland in order to be as far away from them as possible. Bewildered, shocked, and angry, the executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana.

**"NOOOOOOOO! Another silver banana?! Where the hell can I find a silver banana? At the top of Mt. Everest again? Maybe at the center of a volcano this time?!"** The executioner asked, exasperated and flabbergasted.

Matt explained, **"No, you can find a silver banana on Mars. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer Martians."**

The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt's request. Using taxpayer dollars, the Zürich Police Dept. sent a team of astronauts to explore Mars, led by the king of space exploration Neil Armstrong himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the very top of Mars, guarded by seemingly docile Martians.

The rookie of the astronaut group says, **"Ha. Stupid Martians. They can't hurt us at all. They're not even doing anything to us."** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the Martians go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these Martians except for Neil Armstrong, who managed to fly back to Zürich. With his dying breath, he says **"Here is the silver banana,"** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the space exploration community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies.

Matt's execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk.

Before the executioner lets Matt out of the chair, he angrily yells in his face, **"I have flipped that damn switch three times already! How have you not died?! Is it the silver banana?! What the fuck is your deal here?!"**

Matt calmly answers, **"I don't know, sir. I guess I'm just not a good conductor."**