Married Life

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman


The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft


Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. -- Bill Cosby


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner


Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


-- Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns


What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner


When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler


I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman


Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller


My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman


People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck