Just trying to take my toddler to the park on a sunny weekday afternoon

Women got the shaft for a good long time. Which, is exactly what they needed - in private. Ain't no kids coming without a good hard dicking first. But let's be honest, when it came to the vote or the right to work, women had a point.

Doesn't mean men don't face stereotyping either though. Just last Wednesday afternoon I took my little boy to the park. And wouldn't you know it, every woman there gave me the weirdest stare. Like I was some pervert criminal kidnapping my own son.

So I plop the kid in a swing. Pull him way back - because he likes it fast - and give a good push. Thwap! Thwap! Thwap! it spins around up and over the poll - kid holding on for dear life. Swing seat creeping upward as the chain wraps around. Until, bang! Kid hits his head.

Hey, it's a life lesson!

But there's blood. And a crying baby. And every goddamn mother's eyes in the park sear at me with this evil stare. A woman comes up and asks if I have a bandage.

No. What, I expect the kid to get hurt at a park? Isn't that the safest place in the world for a kid? So no, I don't have no bandage. But I realize there's a diaper. She agrees it's a good idea. So I start pulling the kid's pants down to get it. Hey, at least he hadn't taken a dump!

Whoa! You'd think it was some kind of child assault. Women from all over the park come rushing at me like offensive linebackers.

Holy shit, it's a fucking twat posse! Each of them dragging their kids behind. Which, fortunately, did kind of slow them down.

So I grab my kid, stuff him in the carriage, and book the fuck out of there. This linebacker posse of female rage dragging their snot nosed kids at the hand, trailing behind. But I've got wheels so I'm faster.

I get a good fifty yards ahead and turn to see them falling behind. Their fists raised in revolutionary spirit. And I thumb my nose with a raspberry to tell them what I think of their bullshit double standards. I mean, here I am just trying to be a good father! And they got to ruin it all with their self-righteous politics.

Then I turn around and there's a cop. And I think, thank God! Someone to stop this mob. Officer, I say, help! I point at the women, 'they're chasing me!' But see all of them hit the ground to take cover.

Oh fuck.

"Raise your arms or I'll shoot!"

"But I'm holding a baby carriage!"

BANG!

No problem, my arms go up. But then the baby carriage starts wheeling away down a hill toward a heavily trafficked intersection. I'm frantically pointing at it with my arms above my head.

"GET ON THE GROUND AND SURRENDER!"

"But my baby!"

BANG!

At this point the carriage is actually speeding, illegally careening down the street, as the officer protects and serves my wrists into handcuffs. The women are standing there with wicked grins, triumphant in fully ejecting from their turf this masculine invader.

The baby rushes toward the intersection and is almost there when a construction worker runs out to catch him. By this point there are sirens everywhere, blue and red lights flashing, and a helicopter hovering overhead.

Then a news truck arrives and a guy stands in front of a camera telling the world how a baby was just saved in the park from a kidnapping molester.

If it weren't for my wife, who arrived just in time to explain, I'd have been shimmed in a holding cell by Bubba the felon of extrajudicial justice.

I've learned my lesson. Men don't take kids to the park alone. Next time I'll just go walk my fucking shaggy dog!