IRS Deductions

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to
expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year
and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their
returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her
mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for
that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a
truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses
all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three
in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends
were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS
office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with
it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone
number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with
girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic
one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad
trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that
look like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so
the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for
half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious
that we were terrible parents ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most
people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends
her to a speech pathologist that has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and
wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with
tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made
of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you would take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the
two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.