Interviewing Tips Not to Use!

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows.

When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!"

In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet."

Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older.

When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere. Weren't you in the cell next to mine at Sing Sing?"

Tell the employer you will need a salary of at least $40k because the price of cocaine has gone up.

When asked why you left your last job, say: "Ah, well, my employer died under mysterious circumstances and like I told the police when they brought me in for questioning, I was home alone sleeping at the time."

Ask the employer how close your office will be to the bathroom, explaining how you picked up a highly contagious worm while traveling abroad and now you just can't seem to get rid of it.

Ask the employer what his thoughts are on recreational pot smoking in the employee's lounge.

Tell the employer you won't be able to start for five to ten years because you are going on a little vacation.

After the interview, call the employer at home at 3 a.m. and ask if he/she has made a decision yet on whom to hire.