If AOL were a City

- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.


- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.


- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.


- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com


- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.


- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.


- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".


- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.


- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.


- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"


- Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."


- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"


- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.


- even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.


- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fucking fault.


- The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.


- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.


- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.


- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.


- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.


- Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.


- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.


- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".


- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g


- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.


- Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.