How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch.


2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.


3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.


4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.


5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"


6. You whine.


7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.


8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.


9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.


10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.


11. You complain.


12. You hate any bar he likes.


13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.


14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.


15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.


16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.


17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.


18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.


19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.


20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.


21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."


22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.


23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.