How to survive with women

Avoid models that stall during use.


Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.


Avoid completely blocking the air intake.


Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.


Keep locked in the garage when not in use.


Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.


Check for pulling attachments.


Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.


If necessary, fit an alarm.


See if the coil needs replacing.


Take it for a good thrash around


Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?


Watch out for nasty emissions.


Keep all leather accessories in order.


If necessary, fit a silencer.


Or use the choke and throttle properly.


For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.


Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.


Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.


NEVER let your friends have a go.


Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.


Avoid taking it to the pub if you're drinking.


Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.


It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.


With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.


It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.


German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.


Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.


American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.


Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.


Swedish models are usually very versatile.


Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.


French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.


Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.


Stay well clear of people carriers.


Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't take kindly to stopping stop.


Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.


The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.


It is unwise to take your father's/big brother's/mate's out without permission.


Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.


It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.


Replace every year with a newer model.