Football dictionary

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:


BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.


BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.


COACH: The children's Christmas program director.


ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.


COMMERCIAL: Announcements.


DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.


DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.


END ZONE: The pews.


EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.


FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.


FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.


HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.


HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.


HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.


ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.


ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.


INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.


OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).


PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the
pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.


QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.


RAIN DELAY: Baptism


RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.


SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.


TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.


PASS: When the new couple says no.


TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.


TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.


UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.


Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo