By Scott Roeben was a very wise man.

By Scott Roeben was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe. Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting. Translation: We should masturbate more. The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground. Translation: Only fight sissies. Great floods have flown from simple sources. Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period. The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really. Be to yourself as you would to your friend. Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would. Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful? Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips. Have patience, and endure. Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once. I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss. Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether. Men at some time are masters of their fate. Translation: Get married and you're screwed. They that thrive well take counsel of their friends. Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them. That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman. Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex. O, flatter me, for love delights in praises. Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size. The course of true love never did run smooth. Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup. I'll note you in my book of memory. Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after. Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost. Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country. Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain. Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is. Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear. Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot. 'Tis better to be brief than tedious. Translation: Nooners rock. My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires. Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.