Bill Collection Humor

This is a copy of an actual letter that was sent to a bill collector:


Dear Scumbags:


7-26-85


I received your pathetic, ridiculous attempt at legalized extortion yesterday. Just out of curiosity, what's your cut if you collect? The first thing you need to realize is that I have no credit record to "protect". My credit rating is piss-poor, and I have skipped out on bills all over the United States.


However, I need a personal phone, so I have no intention of skipping out on this phone bill. More significantly, though, I would never, but NEVER, pay a past-due bill to you scum-sucking leeches. Which leads me to my next point: It should be clear by now that I do not have a high regard for your `arasitic profession. In fact, in my eyes, you would be doing yourselves, and society at large, a favor by closing down immediately and entering a more respectable field--like pimping or kiddie porn. You certainly have the professional ethics for it . . .


In sum, I have every intention of paying my phone bill and restoring my service, hopefully within sixty days. But you heaps of rancid guano will have had NOTHING to do with it. Please continue to bombard me with notices--I just bought some extra-large trash bags to handle the load. Oh, and please feel free to send a representative to my home.


Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to knock him down the flight of 25 steps leading to my front door. That is, if filth-balls of your ilk ever appear in daylight . . . Worst of luck and my sincerest wishes for the immediate failure of your "business".


GET A JOB!!!


Sincerely,