Are Your Kids on Drugs?

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.


KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.


1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is:


A) tossing a pigskin ball around


B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole


C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.


2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is:


A) Bill Clinton


B) Tom Hanks


C) Charles Manson.


3. Your child's favorite hobbies include:


A) Model Rocketry


B) Baseball


C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.


4. Your child's pet is:


A) a puppy dog


B) a 16' python


C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.


5. Your child's breath smells like:


A) a fresh, minty mountain top


B) lunch


C) an opium den.


6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:


A) Fred and Ginger


B) Regis and Kathy Lee


C) Sid and Nancy


7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:


A) a precious metal


B) a Mexican theme park


C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.


8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:


A) they scored a goal for their soccer team


B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test


C) they scored a dime bag and got high.


Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above, and consult the table below.


0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it's murkiness.


1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.


3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.


7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.