Airline Funnies

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced:� Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure margarine cups will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your
favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest
of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do
not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately; none of them are on
this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I
know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it
was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain really
had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on
the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
us here at US Airways."