...and buys himself a nice cottage far from the pressures of his life in the city. He spends a two days and nights in blissful solitude, no mobile phones, no computers and just the crackling fire and a 25 year old single-malt for company.
On the third night there's a knock at the door. Opening it he finds a one eyed six foot tall and wide ancient woman, weathered by years of heavy drinking and smoking.
"I'd like to invite you to a party," she rasped.
"Oh," he said startled, "Well, it would be great to meet the new neighbours."
"Good, good," she crooned, "I must warn you, there will be some serious drinking."
"I'll just have to do my best to keep up!" he smiled.
"And there may be some..." she fixed him with her one bloodshot eye, "sexual activities."
"I see," he said "Well don't worry about that. It takes a lot to shock me."
"And there will most likely be some fighting!" she announced, "Bare knuckle lose your two front teeth stuff. Can you handle that?"
"I will just do my best to avoid it," he said. The old woman let out a rasping howl that may have once been a laugh.
"You can try!" she wheezed, "Tomorrow at eight then." She turned to go.
"Sorry, before you go, is it formal wear or casual?" he said.
"Oh don't worry about that my dear," she said with a smile, "It'll just be the two of us."
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