A Pirate's Tale

[Note: this joke is an all-time favorite of mine. Like "The Aristocrats," the artistry to telling this joke is in the embellishment and artistry of spinning an engaging tale to setup the punchline. Your mileage may vary--this is the core of the joke.]

Down along a small port town along the boat docks, an assortment of sailors, fishermen, and docksworkers were all having a pint or two after work at the local pub.

As the burly bunch enjoyed their drinks and spun tales of their adventures, a crusty old man entered the establishment. Normally, a patron does not draw much attention as he enters this friendly establishment, but the noise of his wooden peg leg caught the ears of everyone. A hush of whispers swept over the bar as they all turned and noticed his wooden prosthesis, his hook, and his patched eye.

The man looked around with his one blood-shot eye, sat at the end of the bar, and said in a raspy voice, "Bar keep, rum. Leave the bottle."

The bar was quiet for a bit until one young sailor found the courage to sit next to the old sea dog and inquire about his injuries.

"Pardon me, sir. I couldn't help but notice your peg leg. I bet it has an interesting story. Would you mine telling me about it?"

The old man took a hard tug from his rum bottle and set it down on the bar without looking.

The young man started to turn away but the old man said, "Aye--yer wantin' to know about me leg. I'll tell ya, but be warned: it's not for the faint o'heart."

The young man moved closer, "Please, sir. Tell me about your adventures!"

"Aye, 'twas when I was about your age. I was in the company of some, let's just say they were men of questionable business ventures. We boarded a vessel to..." The old man looked around the room noticing a few interested evesdroppers and and stage whispered, "we were salvaging some cargo from another vessel. One thing led to another and I found myself in the water. A steel cable had me by the ankle and me head was going under fast. I was in me grave. Me knife was no good on the cable. But, staring Davy Jones in the face, I had no choice as my leg was the only thing the knife could cut."

"Oh, my God, sir!" said the young man.

"Aye, it was agonizing. The sharks would have had me but me mates pulled me to safety and took care of me leg. It took me months to recover."

A crowd was gathering around the two. Another sailor asked, "Sir, tell of the hook. What happened?"

"It's a terrible story--you don't want to hear it."

"No, no. Tell us!" the crowd insisted.

"Aye, but be warned, it's much worse than the leg."

"Go on!" said the young sailor eager to hear more tales.

"We were in port taking leave. I was a bit lonely for female companionship. I found meself with a beautiful woman who must have taken pity on me because me leg. In the middle of our pleasures, I discover she had witheld the information about her state of matrimony with the blacksmith. He burst into our quarters and, being a bit slow on me peg leg, I wasn't able to break free from this mountain of a man. He drags me away to his shop and his fit of rage, he force me hand into a molten vessel of steel."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, sir!" shouted the bartender, "That's horrible!"

The old man nodded looking down at his prosthesis. "Aye, 'tis. But the blacksmith took pity upon me when he sobered from his rage. He made me this sharpened hook as both an apology and a reminder of what happened that night."

"Tell us about the eye!" said the crowd of everyone in the bar.

The old man refused. "No, 'tis the worst of me tales. Ya don't want to know."

"Tell us!" they inssisted.

The old man took a deep breath. Without moving his head from its prayer over his rum, his squinty eye turned to the young man. "Aye, I'll tell you."

Everyone leaned in.

"I was on watch. It was quiet. Eerily quiet. I heard a strange noise from below one of the hatches. It was a young woman. A stow away. She promised me favors as a trade for me silence on the matter."

The bar was silent in anticipation of the forthcoming details.

"Well, I was a young man and weak to the desires of me flesh. I accepted her offer but when she saw me injuries she had a rather suddent change of mind."

"What happened? She stabbed you with dagger?" asked the young sailor.
"She scratched your eye out?" asked another.

"No, no. She spit square into me eye."

The crowd was silent for a moment. The young, now indignant, barked, "Bullshit, sir. A woman's spit your eye out?"

"No, lad." He said holding up his steely prosthesis, "It was me first day with the hook."