A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Lead me not into temptation I can find the way myself

I intend to live forever, so far so good

My software never has bugs it just develops random features

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Somedays your the dog and others your the hydrant

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

He doesn't have a beer belly, he has developed a liquids grain storage facility

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM

If we aren't supposed to eat animals whys re they made of meat

If its tourist season why can't we shoot them