69 Things to do in W

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.


* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.


* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.


* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.


* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''


* Try on bras over top of your clothes.


* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.


* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''


* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.


* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''


* Play with the automatic doors.


* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.


* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''


* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.


* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.


* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.


*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.


* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!''


* Put M&M's on layaway.


* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.


* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.


* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.


* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.


* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, ''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"


* TP as much of the store as possible.


* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.


* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)


* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"


* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''


* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.


* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.


* Take bets on the battle described above.


* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)


* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.


* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.


* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'


* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.


* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.


* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.


* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.


* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'


* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.


* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.


* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels.


* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.


* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.


* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''


* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.


* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.


* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.


* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."


* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.


* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.


* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.


* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.


* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.


* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''


* Hold indoor shopping cart races.


* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.


* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles.


* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.


* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.


* Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.


* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''


* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''


* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''


* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.


* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.