Zee French Connection

After the Franco-Prussian War, Napoleon III was determined to make lasting peace with the Prussians, but reluctant to give up anything of great value to Mother France. He knows however, that Chancellor Bismarck will strike no easy bargain and will demand steep cessions from the French. Thinking frantically as the peace talks approach, Napoleon finally comes up wth an idea. He sends a telegram to Bismarck stating that in the interest of mutual friendship between the two nations, he will grant Prussia’s ambassador any request of French territory desired, but only the first request and no others.

Bismarck is ecstatic, knowing that he has truly struck a master blow and gained glory for Prussia for generations to come. He dispatches a young ambassador to Paris with instructions to request all of Burgundy, Dijon, and Normandy for Prussian annexation.

The ambassador arrives in Paris and treats with the French delegation, and is about to make the formal Prussian request when Napoleon interrupts him. “My friend,” he says. “I can tell that you are earnest and talented, and I believe that Herr Bismarck may indeed intend for you to be his successor upon his death. In the interest of the future of relations between our nations I will give you a most wonderful gift, but you must take it or leave it before you make Bismarck’s request. Afterwards I cannot grant it. There lives a woman in a small village here in France, a most beautiful woman with breasts so ample and soft that men forget their names upon seeing them, a smile so charming it makes men’s hearts sing, and the ability to give pleasure in a way to make men scream in ecstasy. I had the fortune of lying with her for a day and I tell you, the experience is the height of human pleasure. If you are a worthy man I will take you to her.”

The young ambassador is torn between doing Bismarck’s bidding immediately and the prospect of such immense pleasure, but since Napoleon had assured the Chancellor that any request would be granted, he figures he has nothing to lose and accepts Napoleon’s offer.

“A good choice my friend,” continues Napoleon. “Like I told you this woman is beautiful, with ample breasts and an alluring smile, and the ability to pleasure a man in such a way to make him scream like the harpy in ecstasy. Truly she is the pride of all France. As Emperor I cannot simply allow an unworthy man to be with her. But prove your worth and I shall take you to her, I promise you this. At the top of Mont Blanc there is a man named Alphonse, who was one of my officers and who also had the pleasure of knowing this girl. After being with her he knew that he would experience no greater pleasure in his lifetime, and so became an ascetic hermit atop the highest mountain. If you are worthy then go to him, tell him I sent you, and ask him the name of this woman, the jewel of France with breasts so ample and soft that men forget their names upon seeing them, a smile so charming it makes men’s hearts sing, and the ability to give pleasure in such a way to make men scream in ecstasy and give up worldly existence. Ask this of Alphonse and bring me his answer, and I will bring you to her.”

The young ambassador rushes out of the Elysee Palace, to climb Mont Blanc and learn the name of this incredible woman. Days go by, then weeks. Napoleon begins to fear that he sent the young Prussian to his grave. Finally nearly a month later, the young ambassador stumbles back into the Palace, bedraggled and frostbitten. Panting to catch his breath, the young man is finally able to summon the strength to give his answer to Napoleon and the French.

“Al Says Lorraine.”