U.S. Bombing Campaign

U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND
BREAKAWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND


The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing
offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is
ratified by England and its breakaway province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary
institutes would be fair game for bombing. After the attack, NATO peace keeping
troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and
without the threat of attack.


"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided
to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he
said in a prepared statement.


A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:


Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the
legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.


Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. Oh yeah,
let us not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.


Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus
from killing Tutsis.


Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem,
and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.


Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the
people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.


Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.


Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.


Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were
bullied.


Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use
deodorant and razors.


Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, DC to free the Confederate of Southern
States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary
to possibly run for.


Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be
recognized as a "real" state.


"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline
Albright, Secretary of State. When asked whether or not the US would bomb
Beijing in order to free Tibet she responded, "Something that practical would
never be on a military agenda."