Troubleshooting Your New Stereo

P. Harris Problem Probable Cause Remedy---------------------------------------------------------------------Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket and turn socket onNot turned on Turned off Turn on.Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get a real stereo.Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.soundStill no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place no aerial record on deck, place stylus on record.Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace with `Hells Bells' by ACDC set volume to ten, place stylus on record.Can't hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and or learn to say `eh?'Don't understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buywhat all the lights gramophone and retrieveare for HMV 78.Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10small and hole too pound send it to mebig for spindle else check for CD player on stereo if there is one, insert into CD player and set volume to ten.No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or stop buying CDs.Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three. set to tenCDs don't fit in Haven't got a car CD Buy car CD player,car stereo player place CD in player and set volume to ten.Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back to set too high shop - it would have been stolen anyway!CDs don't fit in car Car stereo only plays Tape CDs.stereo tapesDon't understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buyautomatic sequencing gramophone andcompact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.media instant audiotransposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone elsewacko editing just do it by handcommands like you used to.Reel to reel tapes You're still wearing Remove flares anddon't fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.deck Attatch sign saying `Outdated Hippy' to forehead, place Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture in CD player skip first 6 minutes place head between speakers and set volume to ten.Profound deafness Placing head between None.with persistent speakers with volume settinilus to ten whilst listening cannon detonations.Other ProblemsDoes not show Not a television Buy sex pistols albumCoronation Street place on deck, place stylus on record and set volume to ten.Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital andin with a brick loud music learn to eat through a straw.Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and oryou left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwaveCDs melt during play, rip glass and metalonly a buzz comes grille from door lookfrom stereo inside and turn on.Egg on face Stupidity None.Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriendin bed from mains and take tape from her lips. Plug in Stereo and turn on girlfriend.Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridgecauses a little door.click, but doesnot play recentlypurchased PaulSimon albumLight in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!does not go out completely