(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
Nielsen has announced that a technical error led to months of incorrect ratings. Employees at Nielsen suspected there was a glitch when an infomercial for adult diapers nabbed 84 billion viewers.
There was an Ebola scare on a USAirways flight after a man sneezed and joked that he’d just come from Africa. But don’t worry, doctors examined the man, and he tested negative for a sense of humor.
TSA agents in New York have begun taking passenger’s temperatures to see if they have Ebola. When asked about concerns that Ebola is transmitted via saliva, a rep for the TSA said, “Saliva? I thought it was called Ebola!”
In Detroit, a man is offering to trade his house for an iPhone 6. You can learn all about it on the next episode of “Flip this Phone.”
President Obama has announced that he wants to close Guantanamo Bay. The president is hoping to accelerate the prison’s closure, in time to repurpose it as a Spirit Halloween Superstore.
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