Hello, hello. New jokes are officially here! Let's begin...
Starting off, some reps from the GOP have said they believe God told them to elect John Boehner as speaker. In a similar spiritual experience, when God told Boehner "Go into the light, my son", Boehner assumed he meant, "Go toast yourself more in a tanning bed, whitey".
A recent poll found that only 6% of Americans would want Bush on a new dollar bill. However, Bush said this wouldn't stop his campaign to get on, quote, "Those shiny money things".
Time for some left-bashing, a used car salesman is going to pay $32,000 to lobby Obama for two minutes. The car salesman says he figures any guy who bought the idea of a successful bailout would probably also buy his '87 Camry missing a brake pedal.
In entertainment news, a new "Man of Steel" poster was made to boost Superman's sex appeal - though we can't say the same for Iron Man's new Cobalt Strap-On of Conquest!
Smaller story, California park officials have announced that the chronically polluted LA River will be open for public recreation. Rangers say a nice day trip to the LA River is the perfect way to catch up with old friends and the food you crapped yesterday.
More political news, analysts are predicting that Congress will have heavy workloads over the summer. Some Congressmen will even be expected to complete up to four energetic REM cycles per in-session nap.
On the executive front, President Obama met with the Chinese president to talk cybersecurity. Obama figured now was the time after China hacked his Facebook and posted the status, "Spoonin' with the EU. Sarkozy gettin' cozy ;)".
Have to bring this up, Burger King has debuted a new hands-free Whopper eating device. Burger King says the device is perfect for the multi-tasker looking to enjoy his Whopper while typing out a will before it forms that pesky arterial clot.
This is ridiculous, a Maryland boy was suspended for chewing his Pop Tart into the shape of a gun - and also for making threats against the rival pastry gang, "The Betty Glockers".
Another entertainment story, Amazon.com is set to create its own political TV series. The series is an action-packed drama about Bill Clinton trying to delete his Fleshlight order history before Hillary gets home.
That's all for now. You know the drill. If you liked them, follow back blah blah stuff. https://twitter.com/boydstantinople
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