Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio has started hydrating three years in advance using a Big Gulp filled with Paul Ryan's Pilates sweat.

Weird biology news. A rare, six-foot flower that smells like rotting corpses has bloomed in an Ohio conservatory. Hallmark is already selling a bouquet of these giant corpse flowers for Mother-in-Law's Day.

Gotta bring this up. There was a major press breach where US officials seized two months of phone records from journalists. Panic over the breach died when it was found to just be Biden trying to get someone to explain last week's "Doonesbury" to him.

A lighter story, Willie Nelson has been granted an honorary degree from Berklee College of Music. Berklee gave him the degree credit upon finding he had finally smoked as much pot as a senior reggae student.

I still love this story. Taco Bell is now coming out with a waffle taco. The taco comes with sides of both Aunt Jemima's syrup and Mrs. Butterworth's donated bile to aid in digestion.

Gosh, I dislike Madonna. Here we go. Madonna recently sold her self-crafted painting for $7 million. Critics say the painting’s turbulent brush strokes evoke both the struggles of mankind to ascend beyond rationality and the struggles of Madonna’s boobs to ascend beyond her bellybutton.

Another old joke. Because, who cares? Paul McCartney revealed a rare Beatles track during a concert. The track is a tune he just wrote at the ripe old age of 70 called "Norwegian Wood (This Scandinavian Viagra Actually Works)".

Not many tonight but I'd rather you have a few zingers than a bunch of K.O.'d punch-lines.

Once again, the feed is all here, https://twitter.com/TopTopical. Check you later and thank you for skimming!