Thoughts for the Day

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.


* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


* He who hesitates is probably right.


* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


* No one is listening until you make a mistake.


* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.


* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.


* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.


* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.


* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.


* Two wrongs are only the beginning.


* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.


* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.


* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.


* A fool and his money are soon partying.


* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.


* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!


* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.


* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....


* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!


* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.


* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."


* Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.


* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.


* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


* Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.


* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.


* Half the people you know are below average.


* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.